July 3rd, 2025
June was kind of terrible. If anyone who reads this has dealt with persistent sadness/depression maybe you'll know what I mean. At some point you start feeling like your body just doesn't want to keep going. Maybe you do things but you do them poorly, you stay more at home because going out doesn't seem possible and you start staying in bed longer than it is socially acceptable. Well, at least that's what happened to me.
It wasn't all terrible. My birthday was this month, and for the first time i felt at peace with it. I had a good time, my family didn't fight and I even got flowers and chocolates. That was a highlight. But thorought all of it, there was this lingering sadness. It wasn't enough to cry (I'm a big fan of crying), but it was there waiting for me anywhere I went.
And that was the most exhausting thing!!! I wasn't overcome with sadness and I didn't feel like having a crying fit at 3am, but the sadness was there and i didn't really know where it came from or how to make it go away.
A reason for writing this is that I hate communicating negative feelings. I tend to either make light of them or just avoid my journal until the haze dissipates, whenever that is. Last year i spent two months without writing in my diary. So this is kind of an experiment of how much I can write without feeling like a dark void.
Because I never know how to come back from these episodes. I have this really bitchy, extremist voice in the back of my head that says well, if you were that sad, why are you laughing now? how can you ever laugh again?. And I've learnt that i can just tell her to fuck off and leave me alone, but the doubt remains.
Well, that's all from me right now.
Love, Nana